You must answer to that which calls you. It may be years, it may be your whole life. But until you do, until the timing is right, you may always feeling like something is missing, a hole agape in your heart. My hope is that in this moment I am beginning to answer what’s been calling me. Words, stories, moments, flashes of insight, suffering, signs; all these things have been calling me to weave them in my own artistic web of prose or poetry or whatever drivel takes form. Something has been calling me to write, to create and share my perspective from the niche of the universe where I currently reside. It’s been calling me because I have something to say about this life we live.
Plagued by disappointment in high school, a short story I read sophomore year struck me. In the story an old man paints an image of fantasy around a woman and her daughter. A conductor, he passed them every day on his train route, they waived from their back porch and found a secure spot in his heart. Such little pleasures get us through our sometimes long, drawn out days. Perhaps these little pleasures should not be taken too seriously. In a world of suffering though, one will naturally seek that which brings him comfort and hope. Bringing one’s dreams into every day reality is no easy task.
After his retirement, he decides to make a trip and meet these women up close whom he had for so long admired from afar. Inevitably they fall short of his expectations. “His heart, which had been brave and confident when it looked along the familiar vista of the rails, was now sick with doubt and horror as it saw the strange and unsuspected visage of the earth which had always been within a stone’s throw of him, and which he had never seen or known. And he knew that all the magic of that bright lost way, the vista of that shining line, the imagined corner of that small good universe of hope’s desire, could never be got again.”
There seems to be a disparity in this life between what you think you want and what you actually get and at some point you learn that what you’re getting is exactly what you need. Our egos are like children, excited and frantic at the possibility of fulfilling a desire. But that is not what life on Earth is about, at least not anymore. Our lives are not meant to be an endless parade of fulfilling desires, one after another.
As I get older I realize that life is not about always getting what you want and finding yourself with complete freedom in a world of endless possibilities. Life on Earth is about getting what you need when you need it and discovering who you are within the limitations that this particular life presents. Because whatever life is presenting you, is actually what you are presenting to yourself; the blocks, the bumps, the moments of bad timing shape the journey as much as the rewards and goals we seek.
Limitation has been the rude awakening of my twenties. The gong of Saturn has always rung but as an adult the morning toll has a new dullness. When you were young you were always working toward something, always a goal in sight and a reward not too far off. You never really stop and think what it is you are working toward.
You never realize there is no real end to our goals and cycles, no ultimate moment of completion or relief that you are trying to reach. It just goes on and on, you achieve everything you set out to achieve and then there is still tomorrow, what are you going to do tomorrow? And after this life perhaps there’s another one, after that maybe another universe awaits our spirit essences. There is no end. What a confusing concept to twirl while living a physical life. We are spirits of eternity living in a world of time and limitation. We are circles desperately trying to fit in a square. This is the source of our suffering, whether we acknowledge it or not.
When I was young I wanted to be where I am now, grown up yet still young and liberated, living by my own rules, creating my own responsibilities, yoga, endless dabbing and writing. And now that I’m here I look longingly towards the days of my past, the home I grew up in that seems a million miles away, my mom, my sister and all my friends that aren’t a part of my everyday anymore. No matter what is near me I long for that which is far, far away.
My goal is to not let the far away things glow and the nearby things bore. “Be Here Now”, a wonderful psychologist/guru titled his book and a worthy command. We seek the moments of the past, long for the moments of the future and we miss the incredible beauty and tangible magic of the present moment.
There are three spiritual concepts that stand out to me as the big ones. The first one is unconditional love and unity, but the second and third ones are relevant here. The second one is the notion of eternity and the third is living in the present. They go together because if you have eternity then there is no hurry, nothing to regret, only the present moment exists and it exists forever.
The magic for the conductor was in each moment he waived at the women, just that mystical moment of connection. But he wanted to make it more. The story was written around the Great Depression. Naturally the tone is somber. Talk about the great depression; Americans desperately seeking to heal spiritual/emotional wounds with physical/material remedies. Our true salvation is within us not in some outside source.
It’s important though I think to acknowledge that time in our history and where our patterns have come and gone. Because they affect us today whether or not we realize it, they shape us. That story stuck with me because I identify strongly with that type of suffering and up until now that type of suffering has held me back, the ultimate source of my limitation.
But now is a time of change. It is a time to change our patterns, shift the tides, think completely differently about the world we live in, think differently than any single person that has ever lived. Break away from the sadness and disappointment of yesterday, truly break the chain especially for us goddesses (aka girls and women). Our supreme power rests in the present moment and we are capable of creating a much more loving, wondrous energy field for the people that come next.
Let us not allow the far away people of the future to inherit our suffering. The love and peace we seek have been nearby the whole time.